The F-STAT

20140726-151349-54829407Foamers are among us. Unfortunately, this is how bad society has become. We could cover our eyes and hide in our closets but in the end- you cannot avoid them. Foamers. How prepared are you and will you survive the horde of Foamers if they rise up and actually step away from their computers?

Sharpen your pencils, put some pants on for the love of God and get ready for the test that could let you know if you will survive a Foamer Apocalypse. Please remember to use a #2 pencil and absolutely no red ink.

*Warning- if you are caught cheating you will be forced to converse with a Foamer for no less than 10 minutes and no more than 30 minutes.

Defining Foamer types:
S/S – Slow and Stupid
R/C – Religious and Crazy
D/BSC – Drunk and Bat shit Crazy
R/GC – Racist and Gun Crazy
M/C- Mullet and Crazy

The Foamer Infection

For this test, the Foamer infection is stupidity based. The Foamer infection can only be spread or transferred by interaction, reading or looking at anything they type, write or speak. It is not airborne and cannot be made airborne unless you are physically throwing a Foamer at someone.

Types of Questions that might be covered:

True or False
Fact based multiple choices
Situational multiple choices
Personal evaluation
Illustration multiple choices

Let’s begin!

True or False

1. Foamers are reasonable people

2. Foamers are generally socially acceptable and welcomed in all settings.

3. Making eye contact with a Foamer can and usually instigates an attack.

4. Foamers take ALL facts and accepts them as being acceptable.

5. Foamers are known for their speed which allows them to chase down unsuspecting victims and give them flyers.

6. A Foamer bite is highly infective

7. Do not be afraid of Foamers- they are more afraid of you.

8. Foamers are intelligent

9. All Foamers can run

10. Foamers only desire is to educate the public.

11. Foamers fear facts

12. Foamer outbreaks can spread fast

13. Foamers feel mercy

14. Foamers really just don’t give a f*ck

15. Foamers have “super senses”.

16. A Foamer can still infect you AFTER it has bored you too death.

17. Your brain can turn to mush after a conversation with a Foamer

18. Military experience can help you when dealing with a Foamer

19. Interactions with Foamers can and usually ruins a good mood.

20. A spork is an effective weapon against a Foamer

21: Foamers will purposefully stalk you and hunt you down to annoy you.


Fact based and situational multiple choice questions.

1. A Foamer tells you that your pit bull will eat you in your sleep you-

A. Slather yourself with BBQ sauce before hitting the sack.
B. Inform them your dog prefers dog food over human flesh.
C. Ask for the statistics that supports that line of insanity.

2. A Foamer is approaching you with a dogsbite.org/Daxton’s Friends flyer you-

A. Spray them with bear mace and call 911
B. Gladly accept it then crumble it up and throw it back at them.
C. Duck and dodge
D. All options are perfectly acceptable

3. A Foamer brags that he knows where you live you-

A. Pack your shit and move
B. Invite them over and then shoot them with paint ball guns
C. Invite them over and cook a delicious dinner.
D. Draw them a map and tell them to bring that sh@t on.

4. You notice a single Foamer harassing someone- do you-

A. Jump in guns a blazing!
B. Hold back and wait for the horde to come
C. Mock the Foamer until they just lose it then sit back and watch them implode.

5. You run into a Foamer at his job you-

A. HAHAHAHA that’s funny, you know Foamers don’t work.
B. You ask them to supersize your fries
C. Ask them why they are the worlds worst DJ ever?
D. Ask them to pour you a beer, pay your tab and don’t tip him.

6. A Foamer bites you on the arm

A. Chop your arm off.
B. Cry, curl up and wait for the Foamer virus to kill you.
C. Wash it and slap a band aid on it.
D. Slap them and tell them to grow up.

7. What is the definition of a Foamer?

A. a man/woman who obsesses over pit bulls and pit bull owners and forms a toxic foam from all their vileness.
B. what happens when you brush your teeth.
C. No clue

8. When throwing something at a Foamer which shot will be the best and most effective?

A. First shot
B. Second shot
C. Depends on the person throwing
D. All because it’s just fun throwing shit at Foamers

9. A fast moving r/c Foamer is making a beeline for you, do you-

A. Make the sign of the cross and ask God to take you now.
B. Throw a bible at her and pray the word of God knocks her the f@ck out.
C. Listen and wait for your head to explode

10. When handling a loaded paint ball gun, what is the most important thing you should remember?

A. Keep it aimed at a Foamer
B. Accidently pull the trigger and spray the Foamer with paint balls.
C. Just say f@ck it and shoot the Foamer

11. Talk to a Foamer or

A. Swim in shark infested water with a bleeding wound.
B. Walk into a burning house
C. Play in a trash can filled with dirty needles

12. You’re camping in the woods and you notice a line Foamer –

A. Leave it be, it might infect you.
B. Throw rocks at it
C. Never go camping again.

13. A Foamer falls down in front of you-

A. Step over him/her
B. Laugh and then step over him/her
C. Help them up then go disinfect your hand
D. Let your dog pee on him/her

14. A Foamer outbreak just happened- what do you do?

A. Pack your family up and get out of dodge.
B. GET LEGALLY ARMED
C. Lock your doors
D. Go about your business

15. You notice a Foamer driving a car. Do you-

A. Boycott cars
B. Sob uncontrollably and pop some pills.
C. Refuse to drive EVER EVER again.
D. Stay off the sidewalk

Foamer Mathematical statistics

1. 2+2

A. 4
B. 16
C. 3,210
D. Wait… There is a math section??

2. You see 4 dogs, what breed or breeds do you think they might be? (Part I)

A. All Pit bulls
B. 3 out of 4 are pit bulls
C. it looks like a poodle but its probably a pit bull.
D. 100% they are all pit bulls

(Part II)
The media, experts and the dog owners state those 4 dogs are Beagles, you would say?
A. its a conspiracy
B. Let me ask my dog experts and get back to you
C. I was wrong
D. THEY ARE ALL LYING

3. By looking at the graph, can you tell me how many Pit Bull Nutters attended a pit bull March?

20140726-211754-76674511

A. 5,000
B. 200 at the most
C. 12
D. The march was just a figment of your imagination.

4. By looking at this graph, which group is the majority?

5. You are going for walk with a one block distance, how many pit bulls will you see?

A. In every damn yard
B. EVERYWHERE
C. 2
D. – passed out due to anxiety at the thought of leaving their computer-

Immediate survival scenarios

1. There are four Items in arms reach and a Foamer is heading right towards you.
Which weapon would you use to stop the attack?

A. Paintball gun
B. A lemon
C. Dog poop
D. Bear spray

2. You are in a house and a horde of Foamers have formed outside. What would you do?

A. Climb in your bed, pull the blankets up and watch Bones.
B. Spray them with water.
C. Throw lemons at them
D. Moon them

3. You notice a horde of Foamers turn on a weaker Foamer and start to consume him/her. What do you do?

A. Video tape that sh@t!!
B. Sneak around them
C. Spray them with freezing water

4. A Foamer offers to shake your hand. You-

A. Mace the f@ck out of them
B . Scream bloody murder
C. Shake their hand then immediately chop that hand off and burn it

5. A Foamer looks over your fence. You-

A. Mace the f@ck out of him
B. Squeeze a lemon right in their eyeball
C. Spray them in the face with a hose

6. A Foamer has entered your home and you are on the second floor- do you-

A. Jump out the window
B. Throw shoes at them
C. Bring down the latest report and statistics from NCRC and invite them to look over it.

7. The Foamer outbreak started because

A. The internet was discovered
B. Someone ran out of pills
C. A group of really stupid, obsessive and creepy hypocrites found each other and it was just a perfect storm if stupidity.

8. Inbreeding is not uncommon among foamers.

A. Of course! The amount of stupid in one really small section of the population can’t be just a fluke.

B. How dare you suggest that. God himself will come down and strike you!

C. I don’t even want to think about it.

9. Your city has been told to evacuate due to a Foamer outbreak, do you-

A. Pack your car and family up and hit the road.
B. Board your house up and try to ride it out.
C. Buy some lemons, mace and paint balls and get comfy cuz this is gonna be fun!

10. You see a Foamer shambling down the street, on the OTHER side of the side walk- do you-

A. Assume the stance and get your mace ready
B. Yell obscenities at them
C. Run home and post on Facebook on how you almost were mauled by a Foamer

11. For some reason a Foamer flirts with you, do you-

A. Blush and tell them how sexy you find frothy toxic Foamers.
B. Vomit and then vomit some more
C. You can’t even find the words to describe your repulsion
D. Spray them with mace and call 911

12. You find yourself alone in a dark ally with a Foamer, do you-

A. Throw your shoe at them and run
B. Beat the ever loving shit out of them and casually walk away
C. Cry and succumb to the horrifying incorrect statistics that the Foamer will attack you with.

To know thy enemy one must think like thy enemy. In this portion of the test, throw out all logic, common sense and intelligence and attempt to put yourself in the Foamers frame of “mind”.

1. An image is shown of a very large 4-6 year old child smoking a cigarette. As a Foamer, your first reaction is-

A. I would rather have a child who smoked than one meeting a pitbull.
B. The sad part is that the cigarette is safer than a pit bull.
C. Holy f@ck! Who the f@ck would let a child smoke?!?
D. What does a pit bull have to do with this?

2. You notice a non- Foamer (nutter), you-

A. Uh.. A what?
B. Scream obscenities at them
C. Stalk them, google them, email them and harass them.
D. Call for back up and assemble the horde to rain destruction on those fools!

3. You notice a positive story in a magazine about pit bulls, you-

A. Cry and curl up with a bottle of pills.
B. Throw a temper tantrum
C. Fire off an angry email explaining that even though 95% of the pit bulls might never attack they are devil dogs!

4. You see a dog and it MIGHT be part pit, your first thought-

A. Sometimes you just gotta take matters into your own hands….
B. The only good pit is a dead pit
C. GET LEGALLY ARMED
D. Aw! What a cute pooch!

5. Pit bull owner-

A. Child hater
B. Blame them for EVERY thing bad in your life.
C. Facebook page
D. I’m so jealous 😦

6. “all dogs have the Potential to be extremely dangerous, given the right circumstances.”

A. The best thing a pet owner can do is not bring a dog that has been bred for hundreds of years to be aggressive like a Pit bull into a neighborhood

B. Mauling is a more accurate term when talking pit bull attacks. Mosquitos bite, hamsters bite, poodles and chihuahuas bite. An animal whose “bite” is catastrophic like that of a wild animal or a shark is not just a bite.

C. Only pit bulls attack. Only. EVER.
D. That makes sense!

7. What is the meaning of life?

A. Facebook super secret groups on how to destroy pit bulls!
B. Wait, there is life outside of Facebook?
C. Family, love, happiness…
D. Dj’ng at a club before an anti pit walk! It’s gonna be awwwwesssome!!!

(Alright, I can’t… The stupidity burns..)

Personal Evaluation

1. Are you able to walk away from your computer?

2. Are you happy?

3. Is your dog happy?

4. Can you touch your toes?

5. Do you have real life friends?

6. Do you have a problem shooting Foamers with a paint ball gun?

7. Are you comfortable pointing out how stupid Foamers are?

8. Do your eyes glaze over when you hear the “15 minute blah blah blah” story for the millionth time?

9. Do you have a life outside of Facebook?

10. Would you rather eat broken glass than help a Foamer?

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may put your pencils down. How do you think you fared?

Here is the answer key and grade yourself!


Scoring results

100-90% correct- Holy mother of Foamers! If anyone is ready to bitch slap Foamers with the truth it’s you! No doubt you will survive the onslaught of foam and stupidity without breaking a sweat.

90-80% correct- Not too shabby! You might get a few bumps and scrapes but you’ll manuever rather easily through the horde with master Kung fu skills!

80-70% correct- I won’t lie, you’ll hit some rough patches but you’ll do fine. There may be times avoidance will be the key to your survival. Avoid and live to fight another day!

70-60% correct- yeah… It’s going to be a rough ride. But with some practice, the force will be with you. But until you gain a bit more experience it is strongly recommended not to approach Foamers alone.

60% and lower- I don’t know how to tell you this but- you’re fucked. Foamer bait, Foamer food but the good news is- you can always study!